Winning the Drug War at Home - Media Information

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Read an interview with Kathy.

For: Tapestry Ministry, P.O. Box 463, Danville, PA 17821.
Contact: Kathy Pride, Kathy@Winningthedrugwarathome.com.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Pennsylvania Mom Shows Other Parents of Drug-Using Teens How to Restore Harmony After Unrelenting Parent-Teen Battles and Family Turmoil Over Drugs

Danville, PA, March, 2006 – With drugs as easy to find in every American community as the local grocery store or high school parking lot – maybe even right in a teen’s bedroom – parents can’t afford to take a “What, me worry?” attitude, according to Danville, Pennsylvania mother Kathy Pride. Her forthcoming book, Winning the Drug War at Home, explodes numerous myths parents believe until they have no choice but to confront the damage drug use is inflicting on their teen and their family (www.WinningtheDrugWarAtHome.com).

“It’s hard to admit it when your teen is falling apart from doing drugs,” she says. “Parents are tempted to rationalize it as a teenage rite of passage, a ‘no big deal’ situation. Not until relationships and cars are wrecked, trust broken, classes failed and a son or daughter arrested, parents prefer to stay in denial. Or they feel alone and without hope. I was that parent and eventually wrote the book I needed to read when our family life shattered from our son’s use of marijuana.”

Pride’s son Matt began smoking pot shortly before his sixteenth birthday and became belligerent, angry, unmotivated and uncommunicative. After he was arrested and broke his terms of probation more than once, he was ordered to a therapeutic wilderness program that his mother credits with helping him mature. Matt finally served a clean year of probation, got into a good college and did well at school freshman year.

“I had been brought up with the belief that if I worked hard enough at something I could fix it,” Pride reflects. “I couldn’t fix my son’s drug problems, even though I tried. The experience almost destroyed our family and brought me to my knees.” Her journey included confronting these commonly held and dangerously untrue myths, among others:

It’s “only” marijuana, and can’t hurt the way hard drugs do.

Since the parents used marijuana and turned out OK, kids will straighten themselves out eventually.

It’s best to try to be your teen’s friend while they’re struggling with the effects of drug use.

The book’s 12 chapters include excerpts from letters Matt wrote while attending the wilderness program in Utah. “Never give up on your kid, never stop loving them, and fight hard for them,” says Pride, who suggests that the book can help pastors, substance abuse counselors, parents of preteens who want to brace themselves for what could be ahead and people who want to support a friend whose family is being torn apart by teen drug use as well as parents like herself.

The trade paperback of Winning the Drug War at Home is 5.5 by 8.5 inches,192 pages, with a cover price of $10.99. ISBN: 0-89957-082-8. Release date: Mid-March, 2006, from AMG Publishers. For more information, see:
www.winningthedrugwarathome.com

Interview: A Conversation with Author Kathy Pride

How would you describe your book in:

10 words: Teens seduced by drugs: real struggles, heartache, pain and hope.

25 Words: This book is written for people struggling to survive a teen’s drug use and describes real struggles, heartache and pain, but above all offers real hope.

50 Words: This book equips parent of hurting teens to let go of hurt, confusion and loss of dreams in order to restore hope and broken relationships. Teens seduced by drugs and their families face real struggles, real heartache, and real pain while living real life. This book offers real hope.

How would you summarize your book? What is it about?

I wrote the book I needed to read. This book relays the story of one family’s struggles, trials and triumphs with their teen son’s substance abuse. It is a transparent look at ONE family’s experience with the ultimate restoration of relationships. It is about hope and healing that God brought and an honest and introspective look at how destructive parental enabling is.

Have you always been a writer?

While I have always enjoyed writing, I did not major in English or Journalism in college. I have written in a journal on and off throughout the years, and my undergraduate coursework at Brown University in Health and Society required writing. In the traditional sense, the answer is no, I have not always been a writer. I did not ever expect or set out to write a book.

How did this book come to be? Why did you write it?

I was truly called to write this book. When Matt was in Utah at Second Nature (a therapeutic Wilderness Program) I felt hope for the first time in many, many months. The letters he wrote from the field were honest and introspective, and conveyed hope for the future. I held on to that hope and felt a sense of longing, if not urgency, to share that with other parents who were traveling this unwelcome road.

It was in October of 2002, after attending a support group at Trinity United Methodist Church in Danville, led by Pastor Dennis Derr, that I clearly heard God speak. The overwhelming message was that the letters were only a part of what I was supposed to share; in fact, I was supposed to write a book. I did what I refer to as the Moses dance in response to that calling. My thoughts were, “You’ve got to be kidding! Who me? Write a book?” Yet the call did not go away, and that was the birth of this book.

Why did you decide to include excerpts from Matt’s letters?

I believe it is valuable to include the teen’s voice. As parents we don’t always want to hear what they have to say, but his words were so honest, and gave such hope that I felt it was incredibly valuable for other parents to experience the teen’s perspective.

How does Matt feel about the book?

He thinks its kind of wild how the whole thing has evolved, but is all for it especially if it can help even one other family.

Who is your audience?

The primary audience is parents of teens seduced by drugs, but many others can also benefit from this book: parents of children approaching their teen years, substance abuse counselors, pastors, and adults who wish to understand more about substance abuse and family dynamics.

What do you think is the most important information you communicate to your reader?

Never give up loving your child…there is always hope and YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

How long did it take you to write this book and what kind of routine, if any, did you follow?

The book took about 15 months to complete, and went through some major organizational revisions. I didn’t really have too much of a routine; I wrote in fits and spurts, often doing most of my writing while on vacations.

What is your biggest hope for this book?

That the message of hope and healing which comes from God is communicated to all who need to hear that message.

How is this book different from others that are available? What makes it unique?

There is not one book that follows one family through their experience, from the valley experiences to the mountaintop events. It is also unique in that it includes excerpts from letters written by the teenager struggling with substance abuse.

Why is marijuana such a big deal? After all, it isn’t meth or heroine.

While marijuana is NOT meth or heroine, studies show that meth and heroine users typically started by smoking marijuana. The fact that marijuana is a gateway drug is well documented. It is also true that marijuana is much stronger now than it was 30 years ago. In addition, marijuana use zaps motivation and contrary to what some people believe, it can be addictive for some individuals and it is also possible to develop both tolerance and dependence to the drug.

How much denial about Matt’s substance use did you experience? Do you think denial is common among parents?

Denial is a huge problem, and very common. I stayed wrapped in the cozy blanket of denial for a long time. We want to believe our kids and the lies that they tell us, giving them second chance after second chance after second chance. I think it is particularly difficult for a mother to admit the ugly truth about what substance abuse has done to her child. It is very common, and a huge problem.

In the second chapter you talk about judgment, and say, “frustration and bitterness thrash inside me. There’s a monster of malice and judgment caged in my mind that sometimes escapes through the gate of my mouth. I am quick to judge. I have heard the command: Love your neighbor as yourself. But it is so hard. I don’t always want to love others, and I know I need help.” How were you and Matt judged, and how did you yourself judge others?

We didn’t have any experience managing marijuana use and the effects that Matt’s smoking had on our family. Unfortunately there isn’t a parent’s manual that comes with the child at birth that instructs you to turn to xxx page if you encounter this situation, so we did the best we could at the time with the knowledge we had, always trying to keep Matt and our family’s best interest as the bottom line. I know there were families who didn’t understand or agree with our decision to send Matt to rehab for “only marijuana use”. When we made the decision to intervene a second time the assumption was made and spread as if it were TRUTH that he was abusing other and more potent substances. It seemed like many adults made their own assumptions and reacted and made decisions (such as not allowing their kids to spend time with Matt) based on speculation, judgment or hearsay. All of a sudden, gossip became gospel. It was very difficult to feel judged by other families who had kids making the same decisions our son was making. Because I am also only human, it was difficult, very difficult at times, to not react with frustration and anger at those who thought they were immune and above what they perceived our family issues to be.

Can you talk a little bit about gossip and how harmful it is?

I have come to the conclusion that if I am not a part of the problem or part of the solution, then I don’t need to become part of the conversation. Of course, I don’t always manage to follow my own advice on this, and do engage in conversations that are speculative. However, gossip is toxic and damaging to relationships and reputations. Instead of talking behind people’s backs, it is far more nurturing to offer support, show interest, or simply stay out of the conversation. Because gossip ended up being interpreted as gospel truth, it was extremely damaging.

In the third chapter in the section, “Biding or biting: you talk about shame, blame and criticism. Matt penned the following words, “I felt worthless and ashamed when my faults were constantly pointed out.” How were you guilty of shaming, blaming and criticizing Matt and others?

I hate to admit it, but for many years (before entering into a relationship with Christ, and because I am human and far from perfect, still make mistakes) I had a very sharp tongue. Yes, sometimes it still gets the better of me, but I am also quicker to admit my shortcomings and apologize. But it is true that I placed heavy expectations on Matt, and did focus more on his shortcomings than his successes.

You address determination in the section, “Don’t be Desperate, Be Determined.” How do you think perseverance and determination are connected?

In Hebrews 12:1 it says, “Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” How has this verse been an encouragement to you? So many people become desperate and depressed when confronted with substance abuse. It is mandatory to become determined to fight this battle for our kid’s lives. And it is a battle and it is exhausting. Perseverance becomes critical in living out that determination. There are many days when battle fatigue set in, but it is necessary to persevere, not enable, and continue towards the goal of hope and healing.

You talk about expectations in the section, “I’ll take Sparklers, but I Really Want Fireworks.” How do expectations affect your ability to communicate effectively?

Expectations are funny things. I still tend to set my expectations way too high, and that only opens the door for disappointment. If I expected perfection or an A on a test, and Matt got a B, I ended up pointing out his sub par performance. If I expected him to stay clean and he had a dirty urine test I would become angry. Whenever our expectations are dashed failure creeps in and opens the door to shame, blame and condemnation in relationships which erects more walls. Failed expectations are toxic to communication.

Your last narrative is about finishing strong. The words of the Apostle Paul come to mind, “However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me-the tasks of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace.” (Acts 20:24 NIV). Tell me a little bit about how your family has finished strong.

Through perseverance our family survived Matt’s substance abuse. I never gave up hope and I never gave up loving my son, although there were many days I didn’t like him very much. Since high school graduation, he has matriculated at Ithaca College, where he is currently a junior studying Outdoor Adventure Leadership.

I understand you actually became a Christina as a result of your son’s seduction by marijuana. Could you tell us about that?

I was not raised in a Christian home, so faith and reliance on God, His power, and His plan for my life were unfamiliar concepts to me. I was taught that no matter what I came up against in life, that if I simply worked hard enough at it, I could conquer whatever the matter at hand was. I suppose you could say I was a self sufficient thing, and had total control over my life, thank you very much! (So I thought!) That belief was shattered when I was confronted with Matt’s substance abuse and I was unsuccessful at controlling his problem or “fixing him.” I read The Prayer of Jabez, which changed my life. Reading that small volume prepared by heart to absorb the Gospel message and see how it pertained to me and my life. Shortly after finishing the book, I went to church with a friend and embraced God’s gift of salvation and a passionate life with him by entering into a personal relationship with Christ.

In substance abuse circles we hear a lot about co-dependency and family members enabling dysfunctional behavior. Were there times that you enabled Matt’s behavior and if so, how?

I had enabling down to an art form. I longed to believe every word, every promise that Matt made and would make excuses for him from calling a counselor to scramble to try to reschedule a missed appointment, to let him use my credit card for gas, believing he would not abuse the privilege.

I’m sure the role of prayer has been critical in this journey. You talk about prayer and say, “Prayer is a pillar of strength to lean on when I feel like my knees will buckle and I will collapse under the burden of broken hopes.” It is impossible to travel this journey alone and survive with your heart and sanity intact. There were many people praying us through this difficult time, and I am sure there were days I didn’t know how I was going to get through, and I got through because of the prayers of others who supported and carried me through.

When did you first truly experience hope through this journey that Matt would be OK and your family would heal?

first felt hope when Matt was in Utah at Second Nature. The words he penned in his letters home were the first time I felt able to allow myself to hope that our family would not only survive this, but that our broken relationships would also be restored. The letters Matt wrote home were introspective and allowed us to see a part of him that had been buried until this time. His honest reflections helped me strip away the layers of protective self doubt that I had become wrapped in.

Can you talk a little bit about what it was like to re-build your relationship with Matt?

It took time, and is an ongoing and continuous process. Time, time and more time help to heal wounds. But I must be honest and say there are still times I am afraid. Afraid that the communication will cease; afraid that he may slip back into ineffective ways of coping (not confined to substance abuse, but denial or blame, for example); and afraid that marijuana could seduce him again.

Download a headshot of Kathy for use in promotional materials. Click the above image and save the larger one.

Front and back covers of Winning the Drug War at Home are available for download.

Kathy has been a guest on the following radio programs:

Family Net radio mornings with Scott and Laurie (Sirrius channel 159)
WPEL-FM Montrose, PA
WPGM-FM Danville, PA
WGRC-FM Lewisburg, PA
WMUZ-FM Detroit, MI
WDTO-FM New Smyrna Beach, FL
WQFE-FM Springfield, OR
WWJC-AM Duluth, MN
KBJS-FM Jacksonville, TX
KCXL-AM Liberty, MO
WWIB-FM Chippewa Falls, WI
WFIL-AM LaFayette Hill, PA

Featured Guest on Stephen Arterburn’s Club New Life CD (audio coming soon)

Spot to air on 11/15/06 with Yvonne Bright

CCN Community Cable Network Channel 8, Danville, PA
WHP CBS 21 News This Morning, Harrisburg, PA
It’s Time for Herman and Sharron, Largo FL
Aspiring Women TLN, Aurora Il

I believe in one sovereign God as creator of the universe.
I believe that Jesus Christ died for my sins and rose again.
I believe every person has a right to experience the unconditional love of JESUS. Each person is responsible to himself/herself to make a choice of faith.
I believe in an ever-present Holy Spirit as my helper, received through my belief in Jesus Christ.
I believe the Old and New Testaments to be the true, divinely inspired word of God. I read the word of God as an opportunity for HIM to reveal his will and wisdom, and bring guidance to me.
I believe in practicing the everyday Lordship of Jesus.
I believe I am obediently responding to God as I reach out to those who have yet to respond to JESUS, as well as reach out to encourage and teach those who already have a relationship with JESUS.
I believe in teaching biblical truth that will result in changed lives.
I believe each believer has gifts for ministry that are meant to be discovered, developed, released and appreciated.
I believe that I am accountable to the Lord in all that I say, do and believe.